We have talked about time, the fickle intangible commodity that passes by slowly when you are waiting for a solution and goes by ever so quickly when you are having fun. But it isn’t only time that we lose when we close ourselves off, we have to look at what else is passing us by as we deny ourselves the chance to be loved, lived, experienced and free – what else are we letting pass us by?
In the effort to build walls around us we have used up to much brick and mortar, want to know how? You have built the wall so high, you can’t see on the other side, not even if your stood on the tips of your toes. We have closed ourselves off from feeling anything for anyone, because it is scary, because you have been beaten by past loves (I wouldn’t call them that, they hurt you to no end, but you loved them) that the thought of opening up emotionally paralyzes you. So instead of taking the plunge and opening up emotionally for the opportunity of being loved the right way – you go from unattached, distant encounters so that you don’t have to feel or think, you just do. Being a husk of a person is living half a life, the other half is dead but can be brought back to life by one single drop of hope and chance.
Time isn’t the only thing that you give up when you are afraid to open up, those that come into your life for good also pass through your fingers like water. They leave a few drops behind, hoping that it will somehow seep into your core and invigorate your willingness to take a chance. Not necessarily wanting anything more than just to help you along your path, they see your pain – they see the real you, they think you are beautiful but they also see your fear. And some will grow to love you so much they have to leave your side because your pain is causing them pain as well. You know deep down inside that they have good intentions, but that fear and that wall are built so far up that you struggle to climb out of it.
So now what? “So what, I have a wall up and I am comfortable with my defenses up and I sense myself to be emotionally secure that way.” Are you really living? Are you allowing good people to just disappear from your life just to be emotionally shut off. Sure, it is more convenient – no doubt, but are you living until you keel over or are you going to live a life that is fulfilled?
I know you have been emotionally bruised to a pulp, it is clear when you smile but you don’t laugh. In the darkness and safety of the night you have cried bitterly as the result of being used by those that didn’t realize how profound your offer was. But you have to push yourself out and over that wall, grasp on to your wits, realize that every interaction has been a lesson. Every tear was shed to make your stronger and wiser, not to wallow in despair but to cleanse yourself of the toxin someone handed you. Allow yourself to hold on to the hand that is stretched out towards you, wanting to pull you to the other side of the wall. Show yourself your strength is in overcoming, not in being able to keep others out. Live again, smile again, allow yourself to have hope again. If you need a push to break down the wall, I have a box of tissues and a sledge hammer, let’s do this. Big hug.
You are beautifully imperfect and painfully complex. Thank you.
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