@ShashaSelflove 3/15/16 Barn Doors

I have heard the saying, “Were you raised in a barn?”, after someone has left the door open behind them. It felt appropriate to reference the barn door when talking about leaving the door open to certain people in our lives.

Why do you keep that person around? You broke up (your marriage, your friendship, relationship, etc.) but you never broke away from them, they have taken permanent residence in your life and for one reason or the other you can’t show them the door. Your codependency runs in deep waters, but how can you move on when you won’t live on?

Bad habits die hard, trust me I went to Catholic school. We may not even notice that we pull certain people and certain events into our lives. Some of us have needy friends, we get pulled into their drama and find ourselves saving them. You are tired – to the point where you feel like you are parenting not supporting your friend. We fall into certain patterns with friends, they serve their purpose in your life and you serve in theirs. But what is that purpose? Are you their entertainment? Are you the receiving end of the 4:00am hysterical phone call? Are you there to the rescue but not for anything else? It is okay to be a supportive friend but not at the cost of your personal needs. What about past relationships? Are you still resentful with them, that they didn’t appreciate the offer of love that you had? Holding on to the grudge that has has developed from hurt feelings of a love that wasn’t corresponded to can only bring bitterness and misery into your heart. Close the door on those that were not smart enough to realize how amazing you are.

You have to make a very hard decision in that you have to close the door on those that are in your life for all the wrong reasons. In that you have created a codependent relationship with disaster – it needs you to solve it’s destruction and you need to be the hero. It is a spiral that eventually is going to destroy your both and once it does you will realize that you weren’t friends at all, you were in it for all the wrong reasons. You sought each other out, them because they saw something in you that they want to be and you because they give you a sense of purpose. Sounds like a complimentary arrangement, until things become unbalanced and the relationship turns toxic. The second one person takes more then they give, this is no longer a fair exchange – it is robbery. Regardless of what end of the arrangement you are on, have the conscious to call yourself out on how you have contributed to the situation and pull yourself out.

Love yourself enough to be honest with yourself about your role in this matter and know enough to step away. I want you to look at the way you treat yourself as an unconditional relationship, where you would do anything to save yourself from any peril. Where you would put your hands against the knives that come against you, just like you would for the ones you love. Be honestly insightful when examining how you got here and how you can avoid getting there again. As humans we find comfort in patterns and schedules, hence we often fall into roles that we are used to. Understandable because it happens to all of us, but when that role does not propel us forward or when that role puts us in a place of being taken advantage of – it is time to change our role in the equation.

And let me remind you that you are allowed to make mistakes, just make sure you learn from them. Close the door and others will open. Big hug!

14 thoughts on “@ShashaSelflove 3/15/16 Barn Doors

    1. Hello George! Thanks for your comment, it is hard and painful but there is so much more up ahead! All the best!

  1. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns and behaviors, especially during difficult times or when those we care about hit hard times. But like you said, “be honest with yourself about your role in this matter and know enough to step away”. While not an simple feat, it’s so important to know when to break away and sever the ties to the codependent relationships that only cause us more harm.

    1. Mike, you understand in backwards and forwards, it is so very hard to severe ties. Especially when there is a codependency issue, but for our own good we have to step away. We aren’t meant to live under a cloud of thunder and lightening, we have to allow the sun to warm our face. When we allow ourselves the opportunity of relief, we realize all the great things that are around us. Thanks for always checking in Mike, looking forward to hearing from you soon!

  2. This is a beautiful post. People often ask me why I am no longer interested in having my crazy sister around, but you described it perfectly. Some people, regardless of who they are, just don’t deserve your attention. Sometimes you need to choose yourself over them, out of precaution and, most importantly, out of love for yourself.

    1. Yes Samantha! It is great to hear from you, yes we must self preserve and allow ourselves the opportunity to self care. Many will attempt to make us feel guilty about that, but you can’t own their nonsense, only yours. Deep breath and push through! Talk to you soon!

  3. It’s especially difficult with family and those you’ve had in your circle for so long.

    Thank you for this reminder. Easier said than done but so so SO worth it!

    1. Kelley! I always look forward to your comments! What can I say, speaking from personal experience I have had to close the door with a box of tissues in my hand, but that is ok. I have a feeling that when we stick up for ourselves, we allow better things in our lives. The bravery it takes to do that let’s the world know you have grown and are ready for what is ahead! Cheers!

  4. I completely agree about stepping away from toxic situations. I’ve been caught up in that many times myself and I look back and just wish I had been smarter about the whole thing.

    1. That’s life right? We look back and now know how the situation could have been handled better, but now we know for the next time. It isn’t easy, especially when emotions cloud your judgement. But we are strong enough and worthy of having good people in our lives. Cheers!

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