Sometime it is only you that can help you find the answer you are searching for, it isn’t that there is a lack or friends or resources. Simply put, you have to cross this particular path alone, forcing yourself to face your worst enemy – you.
Truth is, I walk with me, no one else can carry the burden that rests heavy on my shoulders. No one can feel the tornado that slowly twirls inside my chest, destroying my heart. But somehow, I lose myself even though I am holding the map.
Like a pair of socks in the dryer, I suddenly find myself missing my train of thought. I was going in one direction and found myself somewhere completely unintended. I swore not to let anyone in again and there I was losing myself in a pair of brown eyes.
I miss her, the girl that didn’t hurt, the girl that was cushioned by ferocity and wit. She didn’t let anything get to her, she stepped on the hands of her opponents crushing their bones and yet one day she decided to let her guard down – if only to say that she gave herself the opportunity. She lost herself in the promise of hope, love and partnership throughout future battle. She was tired of always battling alone, she finally had someone who would stand back to back with her and face the world with her. But that didn’t happen, those brown eyes filled her with torment and unable to draw her sword she took a gash to the chest. She is trying to recover, I see her crawling – her knees bleeding, her hands reaching forward and her face wet with tears. I see her and can do nothing but whisper a few words of encouragement for I am the weary heart she carries, broken in her chest. “Keep going, this isn’t your hardest battle” “I am trying”, she says “but this wound is deeper than I thought”.
I miss her, I miss the big smile that invited everyone in. Instead there is a forced expression, a broken piece of what used to be. There is just defense now, all she can do to help herself and preserve the little that is left.
I miss her and I know that she will rise from the ashes scarred but stronger. Her adversaries should enjoy their time now, for when she gets up she will lift her pain with her and blanket them with it.
I miss her because I tried to get away from her but I am her and she is me. Together we face what comes and part of losing the twinkle in your eyes is gaining the footing that you need to stand on. I can only carry her, regardless of how heavy she is. Self love isn’t about the good times, it is about the darkest moments and pushing to get to good. The glass is half full and always remember that you can always refill the glass!
Selflove is missing her and fighting to get her back, better than she ever was before. Lessons learned and we are always better and wiser for it. Don’t ever forget the value in that and don’t be afraid of it either. Big Hug!
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