Being alone for a long time takes patience. Instead of avoiding the pain with mindless distractions, staying alone forces you to confront your pain. Jarring most of the time, healing in the end – it is all hell.
Forcing myself to answer my own questions has been a painful road. “Why did this happen?”, is an inquiry that demanded my honesty and deep self reflection. I had to come to grips with a reality that I may not be suitable for relationships. Perhaps I am one of those people that was meant to be alone and dedicate my life to something bigger, deeper. Or, or…hear me out on this…I am impatient. Perhaps. Ok, I am definitely impatient. But, having the conversation with myself opened my eyes to other goals, to other possibilities and to other ways to live a fulfilled life. It has been a painful process, prayers confused with pleas have often lead to a face covered in tears and nights with no sleep. Unfortunately, self awareness comes with self confrontation.
But there is good news. The other side of this experience is realizing where you can go and what options are available to you are far more than you originally thought possible. I never saw myself single into my elder years and then I opened my mind to volunteering in South America. I always saw myself with my own children, why not adopt? I thought I would not be comfortable dating again, I am on my way to dinner with the sweetest man. So the process opens up your mind to choices that are right in front of you. It makes you patient and teaches you to be still when the storm approaching is ripping through everything around you.
Is it hell? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Stay positive in knowing that this part of your journey makes you stronger and wiser. Big Hug!